*12:28*I've been thinking a lot lately about my gender. Not completely sure why i have been thinking so hard about it, like why it's really stuck in my brain at this time as opposed to other times in my life, but I suppose my exposure to the whole spectrum has increased more so lately and maybe i'm just finally allowing myself to think about it. Now that I'm moved away from my mother who I generally don't feel I can be myself completely or freely express myself without being made to feel bad about it (I love her but i really needed to have my own space from her...)
On the weekend I went to my first ever fighting game tournament as a spectator and I noticed there were so many people who freely expressed themselves, and some of my favourite fg characters are trans canonically. And being interested in Vtubing, there are definitely many people who are trans, non binary or just gender non-conforming and just having a good time.
I don't really have anyone in my life that I talk to about these things, though I opened up to one online friend about testing out they/them pronouns with.
I was already familiar with the term non-binary, and i always loved it but i didn't think i would be able to "fit into that box" from what i knew about it at the time. But it isn't really meant to be a box from what I have been reading, there isn't one way to be non-binary. And I am indeed allowed to try things and play around and use it or change it, and just figure myself out and feel free to change if it makes me feel good.
At this point, which is an early stage, at least incorporating theys and thems does make me feel good. I never really liked just being seen as just a woman, although I don't want to say that i lack feminine energy.
Actually hearing about the term *Demigirl* felt like i had found a door opened just a bit for me to look inside, like I could be welcomed in there. Feeling feminine, but also not quite. I'm not sure if I'll stay there, but I feel like it's getting there. At least for now.
One thing I am doing today to... see if i can feel better about myself, is going to a queer friendly hairdresser. (Because, i have not been feeling right.) I'm driving about an hour to get there, i'm desperate!!
One part of the reason i'm picking specifically a queer friendly one, advertised as such, is to hopefully get a hairstyle I actually want. Some hairdressers can't help but... not quite get my vision. I ask for a short hairstyle, and it's not quite the cut I want and I'm too scared to say like "Sorry I actually want like, a boyishly short haircut, like if i were in a boyband" "But you're a girl" that kind of thing.
The other reason I'm going with this is......... well when i looked at the gallery, they do a lot more interesting and creative styles and cuts here! I'm really hoping I can not be too nervous and work with them to get a fun cut that also suits my face shape and not accidentally give me a "Karen" cut. I want to go for a super short style, but i wanna keep some distinctly longer pieces around my face! Like T Boz from TLC, or Misaki from Angelic Layer. I call them Hair Tassles. I really hope that can work on me, and i really hope the hairdresser doesn't think it's too weird. (I do feel like it's less likely that they'll think it's too weird, i see a lot of mullet cuts that are funky. this is in some way, a reverse mullet)
So I'm really excited about that! I am so so so SICK of my long hair, it's just uneven and damaged and tangled and falls out all over the place, i feel like i have bugs crawling on me when a strand falls against my arms or legs!! AND I LEAVE A MESS OF FALLEN HAIR EVERYWHERE! I'd shave it all off, cuz i adore shaved head life, but a cute short style would be a good step first, cuz i do still miss hair when i'm bald.
Looking forward to it, but despite all my efforts that doesn't mean my dumb head won't feel weird later.... I will surely update on my feelings.
♡
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